We have pondered for a while about the concept of a white boy summer, but perhaps its time we think about a worldwide bigfoot summer and what such a thing would look like. Clearly, there are three core essences to a worldwide bigfoot summer, there may even be more. But we can be sure that at least three things will occur, in tandem, at such an event. These three things are: Barbecue, bigfoot, and volleyball. I will now illustrate the confluence of these three flows in a sequential manner. Lets talk about the bigfoot first.
First of all, the immediately noticable feature of a bigfoot is the very same feature for which he bears his name: his really large feet. This is going to be the fulcrum of my argument; Such tremendous feet, no doubt, are going to play a huge role on the volleyball court OR in the sand. Let me also posit this: You can cut and dry my statement about bigfoot and say, "So what?" But here's the kicker: No only are his feet big, they're also incredibly tough. There isn't a single chance that he would break a bone or sprain his ankle at a summer of volleyball. So it's obvious: the bigfoot's big feet are totally unbreakable.
I spoke with Carcampit about this whole thing, because as you all know, he's an avid fan of volleyball, a great volleyball player (who took first place in the Fort Worth Amateur Volleyball Association 2 Man Tourney with his partner Meatbird), and an overall knowledgeable guy.
When I asked him what he thought about the bigfoots chances at volleyball, he had some encouraging things to say.
"Overall," he stated, "Bigfoot has an incredible advantage. I mean, he WOULD be an incredible asset a team. Keep two hands on the wheel. Eskeetit."
Its safe to say, the Bigfoot is having a great game. But, after he finishes his game, he's going to need to refuel with some quality products. Firstly, I would recommend he drink a Gatorade. Maybe something from the Thirst Quencher G2 series, which has lower calories while keeping the same great Gatorade taste in a conveniently shaped squeeze packet. Then, I would bring him over to the barbeque table.
Now, this is where things get interesting. There are many barbeque styles across America, from the legit Texas, North Carolina, and Missouri styles to the lesser known California Polynesian, Mississippi River Valley Native, and Indonesia Ground Kiln movements. Each one perfectly represents the people who created it and adopted it as their own. Now, a wide debate has gone on for decades about which one is the best, but only a fool would think that theirs was the winner. The beauty of barbeque is that, as a system, it represents the stomach of America.
Truly, what unifies America isn't a competition over while barbeque is best, but the sharing of a mutual sense of appreciation for the beauty and uniqueness of one's fellow countryman. But, it would be rationalistic, arrogant, and ultimately incorrect, to assume that only Americans can barbeque.
The Natives maintained complex traditions relating to barbeque for thousands of years. But, it would be just as rationalistic, arrogant, and ultimately incorrect, to assume that only HUMANS can barbeque.
This leads me to the second portion of our discussion, an illustration of the bigfoot's traditional barbeque selection. I have analyzed the component parts of various American and pre-American cuisines for three decades, I have so much experience in this field that it would make the average man's head spin. But, when I am confronted with the potential options for estimating the typical Bigfoot barbeque spread, I am overwhelmed with potential.
No doubt, as many traditional barbeque recipes go, the meat is dominated by either a dry rub or wet brine; followed by, in almost all cases, a saucing. The axiom of barbecue is that everything flows out from the sauce. In an almost dietific manner, as illustrated by the kabbalah, all things flow out from Ein Soph Aur AKA the Great Sauce Pot. Sauce is essential, sauce is foundation. Sauce is absolute and cannot be denied. Everything hinges on the sauce. Without a sauce, something can never be called truly be called barbecue.
Returning to Bigfoot, everyone knows the standard ingredients to any American barbecue sauce. These being a tomato based sauce, a aesthetically unifying vinegar, and some form of liquid sweetening: whether it be honey, molasses, agave, or, for the wild and dry, brown sugar. These flavors, along with an almost unending list of others, culminate in the essential creation of the sauce. This is the pre-Barbecue Sauce Debate which has been settled by greater men than ourselves. At this stage, the sauce is in its most raw and natural form. Yet the potential for flavor and function is enormous. The Bigfoot, having assembled these components, would likely choose to add flavors which complimented his cultural tastes.
Without a doubt, the average bigfoot includes two other ingredients in his barbecue sauce: yellow mustard and Worcestershire sauce. The bigfoot is concerned with a dominating savory flavor, a sensation which the Japanese refer to as 'umami', meaning a full-bodied taste.
The other important factor to settle is the sweetener which the Bigfoot uses. Bigfoot is a proletariat, a working man; he would likely not go for agave because of its inaccessibility, nor would he use honey because of its elitist associations. Its likely that he would use brown sugar, because he is a sweetie pie and a momma's boy.
They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but in this case, it might be truer of a big foot. The big foot would, without a doubt, look to add one or two more ingredients to his barbecue sauce to truly "hit" the proverbial "spot" and round out the experience. The most likely additions, steak sauce and malt vinegar, both in liquid form. No one could ever say that the big foot doesn't craver the savor.
After a victorious match of volleyball and a truly asgardian feast of savory barbecued meats (pork or beef being the most likely), the bigfoot would retire with a satisfaction of known that he had a fantastic Worldwide Bigfoot Summer. His belly, heart, and soul would be content as he falls to sleep, dreaming of bigfoot things.